This article was first published by BBrief in April/May 2025 Issue
Did you know South Africa has 8 kings? England has only 1. While there are historical and cultural differences between the two countries, the symbolism of royal households remains very strong, and there is a reluctance to get rid of this institution. This shows that these figureheads add value to society, but many are asking whether this should translate to a value-added tax in some form.
In South Africa, taxpayers pay the salaries of 8 kings. A king or queen will get an annual salary of around R1.4 million each. Then there are principal traditional leaders, senior traditional leaders, headmen and headwomen, amongst others. More people are getting paid over the years and salaries are up 2.5% from the previous year. Recently, there was an outrage when 102 bakkies were donated to traditional leaders in Limpopo, costing R55 million. That is a pittance compared to the 150 million Euro the British monarchy costs the British taxpayers, which is outrageous considering they don’t even get bakkies; oftentimes they have to resort to using horse-drawn carriages during wedding ceremonies. Where does all the money go? Anti-monarchists in Europe are up in arms about the mere existence of the royals when many in the UK are struggling to house their families or feed their children.
It is a delicate balance between honouring the values of the past and embracing a modern social structure. Traditional leaders in various forms remain custodians of morals, good governance and a sense of collective accountability. In South Africa, however, they have become political pawns. The British royals have similar virtues and vice, but with better jewellery, better castles and more scandalous press, which might be their ultimate value – for the rest of us to shake our heads in sanctimonious acknowledgement that even the powerful are human. It is no small contribution, considering that evolutionary psychology indicates that the ultimate driver of human behaviour is not power, it is the force of narrative and story. We love stories of power in particular. Books like Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings are best-sellers. We flock to the tabloids to pay for tales of royal divorce, a monarchic scandal or whiffs of paedophilia and deceit. So we are prepared to spend money on these chronicles, but not necessarily tax.
If we combine the storylines of politics, legend, psychology, and tradition an obvious route seems to provide a solution – monetise royalty by making them influencers on their private TikTok channel. Look at what Prince Harry has done since he broke free – he is his brand. King Charles can do the same, as can King Goodwill Zwelithini. If you are interested in what Camilla must do better than Lady Diana did, gift her a few Tik-Tok ‘roses’ and ask the question. Why not? We know you want to know. Be aware that showing the British royals ‘diamonds’ in any form, they might just put them in their museums with all the other ones they already stole from your country, but it does make a difference if you gift it yourself. Did you know, there is an exciting scandal in the Zulu royal household at the moment? King Misizulu kaZwelithini’s first wife tried to block his next marriage to an additional third wife. Polyamory is a custom amongst the Zulu nation, but not recognised in Western civil law. Queen Ntokozo kaMayisela (39) appealed to the court to prevent her husband’s union to Nomzamo Myneni, straddling the traditional and Western worlds in one masterstroke.
She did not object to him taking a second wife when she married him but a third wife was one too far for her. She explained to the High Court in Pietermaritzburg that if her husband had to take a third wife it would be illegal (according to civil law), and a source of strife for the traditional royal structures, already embroiled in a succession crisis, reminiscent of the palaver of King Edward VIII. The Zulu Queen made a good point. Many taxpayers would agree, since if the marriage went ahead they would in some way have contributed to the lobola (traditional) which had already been paid and the maintenance (civil). The Queen tells a good story and if you have ever seen her, she cuts a keen figure in a photograph. She has movie star qualities and if she tells her story on TikTok, it is worth at least a ‘disco ball’. The wedding was to go ahead at the end of January 2025, but the King called it off, saying he never really wanted to get married anyway. He also summarily withdrew all allowances to his fiancé forthwith. Good riddance, according to some. The stunningly beautiful Myeni is bossy and manipulative, according to sources: “Even her bodyguards were complaining saying she makes them carry bags for her. They are saying ‘if something happens, how are we going to protect her?” They don’t even carry their own bags. They said when they got inside the shops, they had to take out the credit card and money for her.” Don’t bother sending ‘confetti’ the royal marriage is off.
The British TikTok will be more civilised, of course. They are not as backwards as South Africa. No second wives there, just third mistresses, problematic relationships with child sex ring wranglers, bad teeth from centuries of incest, whoops-a-daisy, pomp and ceremony, and Bob’s your uncle (possibly also your brother.)
Don’t stop there! The Real Wives of Nkandla will make a terrific TV show; gorgeous women, a battle for the largest tracts of land in South Africa and a firepool. There is quite an intricate succession battle happening in the Bapedi and amaPondo royal households as well, giving the Zulu a run for our money. Educate yourself, entertain yourself, then toss them a coin – it feels better if you do it by consent rather than it being forced out of you by tax.
This is how you make the free market and the traditional system work for all.
Viva! Viva! Long live the King!
